‘Identity lost or found’ by Tony A

IMG_4919Another classic Wired In To Recovery blog, from October 2009. Tony certainly wrote some great blogs.

‘Not had Internet due to incompetence of BT so I’ve not blogged lately. After attending Tia’s funeral last Monday I sat in my flat with that anti-climax feeling about life, my identity and a touch of who I am.

You see, I irrationally started feeling that I miss certain parts of my life as an addict. You know, the dodging, ducking, diving and dealing, never being bored, the estranged behaviours I displayed.

I honestly felt I missed it all and felt a loss of identity. I was questioning who I am and was left thinking about how futile life is. A touch of indulgence I suppose.

So, thinking rationally about all this, I realise it’s about discovering who I am, discovering my identity because I’ve never really known myself in adulthood. My behaviours I embrace; even the extreme side of me I’m OK with.

Boredom comes with idleness, so I fill my time with new challenges and all the time I’m finding out who I am and how I could be a better person. I often make mistakes but i learn from them if I chose to and sometimes I’m not nice and I’m OK with that too.

And the past addict, well I keep him with me as I cannot abandon who I am. I’m aware of the danger in me but I am the sum total of all my experiences. What I don’t miss is the slavery I was in and what a victim I’d become to a product called drugs.’