‘Falling From a Pink Cloud (and Learning How to Fall Correctly)’ from Zenith Chasing

rsz_unknownI can’t resist putting on another of Erica’s blogs from Zenith Chasing. This is her latest, more powerful writing. Thank you, Erica.

‘Recent events have snapped me back into reality, my pink cloud had officially dissipated, if you could even call it that…  I guess that given my predisposition towards the negative, it makes sense that my personal pink cloud would be miniature sized.  Fun sized?  I guess the latter sounds a little nicer, and chewier somehow (I’m thinking of nougat.) 

Abstract ruminations and manic tangents aside, I feel like shit.  Just found out that another friend of mine, albeit not as close a friend as T, but someone I have known since I was 17, died this week.  Rest in Peace LES Jewels – I will miss you buddy.  This is certainly the end of an era for the Lower East Side. 

I sincerely hope that this is not going to be one of those horrific months where every time I dare to check my email or my facebook I find out that another one of my friends is dead.  It kind of comes with the territory of being a heroin addict, but maybe my higher power will see fit to give the people I care about a break for a little while?  Their lives are hard enough as is, they don’t need to have them stolen, seriously.

My teeth are fucking killing me.  I really need to get my wisdom teeth taken out.  It gets worse and worse by the day.  I honestly do not know how I am going to get the procedure done however without asking my parents to pay for it, and that is really not appropriate, I should be giving to them right now not continuing to be a burden and a disappointment. 

Still, I contacted all the local dental schools I could find and even with their sliding scale dealies i can’t afford the shit.  In all likelihood I will wait until my face swells up and I get some kind of oral sepsis before I finally do something about it.  You would be surprised at my ability to handle physical pain.  Hell I got hit by a fucking semi truck a few years ago and got right back up.  What’s a tooth ache compared to that!? Uuuuugh.

There are mice in my fucking room.  Like six of them.  It started out with one, then two, then three, and now the adorable little fuckers are running around my room constantly, frollicking and playing and eating my socks. 

The most precious little squeaks can be heard all hours of the night from various corners of my tiny single-room-occupancy hotel room, a joyous chorus fueled by errant kibble from Kalis bowl and fruit snacks I dropped behind the microwave on accident.  They really are cute, I don’t want to hurt them, but I really would like for them to not procreate any more, or if they must, to go to somebody elses room… please?

I have not been to a meeting since Sunday.  I am, however, doing copious amounts of step work to finish up my first step by the time I meet with M on Friday to review it.  I am finishing up my chapter reviews and after that I have one more assignment and then I can move on. 

I get to see if it is at all possible for someone as cynical as me to fully submit to the idea, NAY the supposed REALITY, of a higher power and believe that said power can fix me.  If that is at all possible it will be extremely significant for me, it will be fucking huge, this step is going to be really fucking hard. 

I don’t want to seem like a close minded douche bag who is all hung up on the whole ‘God in AA’ thing, that’s not it.  I am just such a negative person, I over analyze everything to death, and faith has never been one of my strong points or really one of my points period.  I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it though.  Right?  One day at a time.  As promised here is more of my step one work…

Times I tried to quit using and failed
After I started using heroin for the first time in Baltimore and then in New Jersey I went back to Hartwick College after my very eventful summer vacation.  I brought a bundle of dope with me, assuming I could use it to wean myself off, but you know what happens when you assume…

When the dope ran out I lasted maybe two more weeks at college before I stole my friends boyfriend and dropped out, then hitched to NYC to shoot more dope.  This is how I blew off a free ride to college to go hang out with a bunch of homeless kids and shoot heroin in a fucking park (Tompkins Square.)

I was on methadone for eight months a couple of years ago while living in Maine with my ex J.  Despite being in an intensely fucked up and abusive relationship with J, other aspects of my life were going pretty well; I had a job and an apartment and was getting along well with my mother. 

I got kicked off of the clinic I was at for missing some group therapy appointments (because I had a JOB that I felt was slightly more important) they did not taper me, and I relapsed after a week due to the intense physical withdrawals of kicking methadone.  I cleared out my bank account, the remnants of my settlement for being hit by that semi truck I mentioned, in about a month; it all went straight into my dealers pocket.

I had gone to live with my sister in Co Springs after being homeless and strung out in Denver all winter.  I kicked cold turkey on her couch.  After four or so months of white knuckling my sobriety I went to Vegas to stay with my friend Ava.  I didn’t know that she and her husband were strung out at the time.  I relapsed.

I attempted to kick at my Moms house many many times with limited success. Same thing at my dads house in Arkansas.

I tried to stay clean while visiting my dad in Colorado and ended up shooting dope with my brother, who has his own life shattering heroin addiction to deal with.

I tried to kick in Maine by taking suboxone.  (See my post Utterly powerless over addiction) I lasted about a week before I planned a trip to NYC to get high, roping two friends into the whole thing, and ended up getting loaded and ditching both of them after promising I would not do exactly that.

I came to SF sober-ish, still drinking and smoking weed, but I had been off heroin for a week or so.  I fully intended on staying clean once I got here.  I got high in my hotel room two hours after I got off the plane.

I have no fucking control over the shit.  I am insane.  I am sick.  When it comes to heroin or alcohol there is no fight, I just give in and give up completely.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Here I am, the fucking epitome of insanity.  It’s really scary…

But hey check it out you guys – I AM FUCKING SOBER RIGHT NOW!!!  I have been sober for 36 days!  100% sober for over a month.  That is something I have never done since I started using heroin seven and a half years ago. 

It might not sound like much to you but to me it is a huge achievement.  You have no idea what this means to me.  It means that I am not a lost cause, I am not a hopeless case, there is a possibility that even I might get better, that recovery is possible. 

We know that’s not the pink cloud talking because I already fell out of that shit and I have the scrapes and cuts to prove it.  That shit is just straight fact.  It’s just a beginning but at least I have that, it’s at least a start.

M suggested that I start writing daily gratitude lists, probably because I am such a downer and I’m always feeling sorry for myself, and I think it’s a great idea.  I’m going to close out this post with my first attempt:

  • Today I am grateful for the following
  • My dog Kali.
  • As the methadone clinic lady said this morning when I told her I was in bed puking all day yesterday from food poisoning; at least I have a bed to be in.  I am grateful that after seven years of homelessness I now have a roof over my head.
  • The fact that I did not wake up dope sick this morning and that I am going to bed clean and sober.
  • Having money in my account and food on my EBT card.
  • That my neighbor (and currently my only friend in SF) Dwayne was able to assert his rights as a tenant to the police who came to evict him today and that he also has a roof over his head tonight as a result.
  • That my health and my sanity were not completely destroyed by my addiction.
  • The chance to start over and be a better person tomorrow and the day after that.

Thanks for reading you guys.  As always, I wish you all the best of luck and strength in your recovery, and if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you.’